We often hear that friendship breakups hurt just as much as romantic ones. And there's some truth to that. While we might forget the details of a romantic relationship from our early 20s, the memories of a lost friendship can linger, sometimes resurfacing in dreams even years later. But why does the end of a friendship cut so deeply?
According to social psychologist Mahzad Hojjat, people often report that being betrayed by a friend is just as painful as being betrayed by a romantic partner. Yet, when asked hypothetically, they believe that romantic relationships hold more power to hurt us. This suggests that while we may outwardly assume romantic relationships are more significant, our personal experiences often tell a different story. Friendship breakups are a unique kind of heartbreak, one that we often endure in silence.
Take Amy, for instance. Now in her early 30s and living in Europe, she spent much of her 20s in New York with her best friend and roommate, Michelle. When Amy moved away, Michelle gradually stopped responding to her texts. Unlike the clear end of a romantic relationship, this friendship faded away slowly, with no definitive conclusion. "It was a much bigger deal than any romantic breakup," Amy recalls, yet the typical support system didn’t kick in. Friends who might rally around after a breakup with a partner often don't know how to respond when a friendship ends, especially if they know both parties involved.
This slow fade is common in friendship breakups. As Dr. Beverley Fehr, a social psychology professor at the University of Winnipeg, notes, people tend to avoid conflict in friendships. Instead of addressing issues directly, many pull back, leaving the other person in the dark about what's really happening. This ambiguity can be more distressing than a clear, albeit painful, ending.
Ten years after Michelle started avoiding her, Amy still dreams about her. It’s a recurring dream where they meet, reconcile, and cry together. The dream feels so real that Amy once tried to rekindle the friendship in real life, only to be met with cold indifference. This kind of unresolved ending can leave us questioning what went wrong for years to come.
The uncertainty of a friendship breakup can be maddening. Research suggests that uncertainty is a major source of anxiety. In fact, many people would prefer to receive a predictable, albeit negative, outcome than live in ambiguity. This might explain why some prefer to "cut off" toxic friends; it feels psychologically safer than dealing with the uncertainty of a friendship that’s slowly dying.
But knowing why a friendship ended doesn't necessarily bring closure. Maria Konnikova, a psychologist and author, experienced this firsthand when a group of friends suddenly told her she no longer fit in. They claimed she was too competitive—a trait Konnikova didn’t even realize she had. Despite their explanation, the pain of the rejection lingered, and even recounting the story years later still brings a physical reaction.
Friendships, especially close ones, are built on an understanding that we accept each other's flaws. When a close friendship ends, it can feel like a rejection of our very selves. This sense of rejection is compounded when we mistakenly assume the depth of our friendships. Studies suggest that only about half of the people we consider friends actually feel the same way about us.
So much of friendship goes unspoken, and that’s part of what makes these relationships magical. But it also means that misunderstandings and mismatched expectations can easily arise. Heather, a friend of mine, experienced this when she received a letter accusing her of not prioritizing a friendship enough. Heather, a new mom at the time, was spending most of her energy on her baby and was confused by the accusation. It was a mismatch of expectations, and the friendship didn’t survive.
Some experts suggest that we should confront conflict in friendships directly. However, Fehr warns that this advice isn’t always helpful and can even backfire. In some cases, it might be better to let the hurt go and allow the friendship to fade naturally.
While it’s painful, losing friends isn’t always a bad thing, and it’s not uncommon either. A study suggests we replace about half our friends every seven years. Some friendships are more durable than others, and for those, talking things out can work. But for others, maybe the best course of action is to let go gracefully, accepting that some friendships were never meant to last.
In the end, friendship breakups are complicated and deeply personal. They leave us with questions, but also with the possibility that time and distance might heal old wounds. Sometimes, tolerating ambiguity and allowing a friendship to end naturally might be the best way to keep the door open—just in case.
For a deeper dive into the complexities of friendship breakups and the psychology behind them, check out this article by Melissa Dahl on The Cut.
